I have just met with my beloved pastoral Tibetan Buddhist counselor Maya Malay for the last planned time, at least under these circumstances here in Florida.  We reflected on the last 6 months since October of 2011 with the auspicious energy of 11/11/11, through the new year, up until now, the 12th of April, 2012.  I was able to acknowledge the incredible growth I’ve made, or rather return to my true nature of childlike excitement, eagerness, and bubbling joy for adventure big and small.  Of my ability to reframe the ego mind’s limitations to return to Oneness, the greatness of the divine of which we all are.  Of the power I’ve owned in knowing my true nature, of believing I am enough, I am love, I am that I am.  So hum.  I am grateful for the Great Plan bringing Maya and me together to share in this process, the opening of my heart, the tearing down of cracked walls and armor, and the return to innocence of nothing but Love.  Until we meet again, in this lifetime or ones down the road, thank you for guiding me, holding me, and reflecting back my own flame of which we are all One.

Two nights ago I had a good-bye dinner with Fernanda, my dear Sathya, who was the ignition to my Light last March when I started the yoga’s beginner course with her gentle soul leading me.  To the laughter, the tears, the yoga practices, the stretching of our minds and hearts over the last year, I honor you.  I am forever grateful and so deeply touched by your influence bringing me back to my Path, helping me realign my chakras and discover the wonders of savasana and beyond.  I love you.

Melissa, the beautiful Mukti Davi, along with Shakti’s initial nudge in the Kali Natha direction provided continued melting of old ways and connection with Spirit through the last 6 months since that fateful meeting at Yoga Fest which I stumbled upon thanks to Sathya’s guidance.  Your home practices were so very sacred to me, Mukti, and I will remember them not only in my heart but with your shared music providing the soundtrack to many future practices on the mat.  Thank you for sharing your home, your Love, and your Light with me week after week.  Namasté.

To Harriet who’s been with me for almost 3 years now.  Who knew your chance subbing at Nova’s clinical practicums would provide our invaluable time together, helping me through the lows of life to setting goals and meeting successes head on.  My LMFT is greatly thanks to you as is much of the confidence I hold for my skills, therapeutic and otherwise.  Your steady hand held me through so many ups and downs here in FL and I will forever appreciate your wisdom, loving hugs, and lasting influence.  I’m floating away from the pond but I’ll always remember you who saw not the ugly duckling I once saw in myself but the potential in my strength and beauty out on my own.

To everyone else that I’m not listing here but who I’ll see tomorrow night at the final hurrah dinner, I love you dearly and you will be with me in my heart always.  Love love love!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about writing, but I just haven’t done it.  That’s a reoccurring theme in my life, the thinking about doing something but never taking action thing.  That’s something I will change now that I’m gaining awareness with increased reactionary correction to set me into the reframe of ‘Just Do It.’  Anyway, here I am finally sitting down and writing while the beautiful full moon’s got my back.

Change is a word that’s been coming up a lot for me lately.  Closing out at work over the last 3 weeks with 1 to go.  Packing up all this ‘stuff’ in my ‘home’ to move back ‘home’ with all my ‘stuff’.  Changing my thought processes.  Changing how I handle stress.  Changing who will be around me, when.  Changing how I navigate communication…and conflict.  Changing how I relate to others.  Changing how I show up for myself, to myself, and to others.  Changing changing change is the name of the game.

And with it has come peace.  Surprising perhaps, especially to those who know me best, but right on schedule along my Path I am sure.  I feel grounded.  I feel secure.  I feel confident.  I feel happy, most of the time.  I feel respected, even appreciated in contexts I never thought this could happen in (i.e. work.) Amidst what could be categorized as chaos I have remained stark raving calm, relatively and mostly without it as an absolute.  I get angry or hurt and within a slice of 30 seconds I’ve talked myself out of it and found my way back to Love.  Some times it takes 10 minutes, like when I found out my x got engaged.  Or 3 days when I have a conversation with a friend about feeling rejected or some such projection I have to work out.  The reality is when I come from a place of Love and I carry that with me, nothing - no amount of crazy shenanigans or nonsensical occurrences - can rock my foundation.  I am perfectly at peace with what I know, that which I am, that which is everything of which we all are.  Even saying the word peace to myself brings a deep sense of peace.  Try it; it feels pretty dang good.

So what’s next for me?  I’ve let go of a lot of fears and released some karma along the way.  I’ve made decisions, prepared for them, and am in the process of fulfilling them.  Like moving home.  Like becoming an LMFT. Like being gentler with myself.  Like giving freely AND allowing receiving to find its way in too.  All good things.  Lots of ‘progress.’ So what’s next?  The coolest thing about asking myself that is there’s no overwhelming anxiety, no sense of failure or expectation or judgment of what it ‘should’ be.  It’s more like an exclamation to the U to allow the next best wonderment to unfold.  And so it shall, in divine timing and of the Great Plan. What will be will be and in it will be peace, harmony, and lots of Love always.

My lingering message of what to write on stems from a conversation with a close friend who reminded me about setting intentions and getting really clear on what I want to manifest, especially with all this change at my doorstep.  So I’m going to take some time to do this, meditate, ask for guidance, breathe into lingering tension, stretch past the point of fear holding me back, and crystal clearly clarify what my intentions are in my decisions and upcoming changes, and in every moment here on out while we’re at it.  I’m going to set the intention of focusing on getting clear on my intentions.  I’ll get back to you when the time is right and the U moves through me.  Let’s say by Monday.  Okay? Okay.  It’s a date. See you here, there, and everywhere.

Om shanti shanti shanti. Om peace peace peace.

Lying at the beach, trying to reframe my thoughts towards the positive & prosperous from the all-too-familiar bitter and lonely. I realized a couple things I guess I want to put out there. So here we go.

Thought: I don’t know how to have fun. Reason: Vacations with my family were always angry, stressful, grouchy endeavors. I just can’t have as much fun by myself. I don’t relax enough to ever actually enjoy anything. Affirmation: I am fun, I have fun, fun is a matter of my mind. Realization: My ego’s got some great sad story lines on repeat that I can happily press stop to as I chuck them into the ocean in front of me.

Thought: I always look forward to what’s next; I never enjoy the now. Reasons: I’m at the f*ing ocean, waves crashing, salt water curling my hair, Schuyler Fisk playing in one ear….and I’m thinking about how ‘unhappy’, ‘alone’, or ‘not good enough’ this moment is because there’s not a man with me, or I’m not skinny enough, or because I should be working, or because it’s not MN. Wtf, ego. You suck. I think I need to tell you something: we’re not friends. You’re a thorn in my side trying to take away the living from life. I, me, my true Self will not play your ‘shoulda woulda coulda’ nightmare anymore. Affirmation: I live in the now. It’s happening right now. I am enjoying the now, NOW.

It will be nice to be home in MN, maybe. It will also be nice to jump into the ocean right now…because guess what….that’s what’s happening right NOW!

Going, going, gone!

Zoink.

Much love

It has been a very unusual 24+ hours.  I went to Mukti’s yoga class last night after a busy work day feeling alright but not stellar, and the day prior I had taken a 2 hour mid-afternoon nap to get through the day.  At yoga I noticed a tickle of a cough starting, only it was very, very deep in my chest.  I came home and laid down at 8pm, tossing and turning until 2am when I finally fell asleep on and off for about 6 hours.  When I woke up yesterday morning, I felt like I had been run over by a bus.  My muscles were aching, so tight I could barely get out of bed, my head spinning, my torso and head sweating profusely with my hands and feet shivering cold.  It was awful, and it came on so suddenly I was startled by what message I was missing, or rather ignoring.

My ego took a hit mid-day when I had to cancel my 3 remaining clients (which I NEVER do) and by 2pm I was in bed where I still am now, at 3:30am.  At this time I pulled out Louise Hay to check what resentment or toxicity I was storing in my chest and throat, and what affirmation I could turn to for healing.  Respiratory cold: “Fear of taking in life fully.”  First thought: damn it, spot on.  Affirmation: “I am safe. I love my life.”  Well sh*t, I definitely created this ailment for a very poignant reason. During the evening I ranted a bit on facebook seeking attention and validation from loved ones to affirm this unfamiliar type of painful cold was an external terror, an epidemic flu other people passed to me, or as my dad joked “Maybe you’re allergic to Florida.”  Haha.  That right there is what I am harboring in my chest and throat, Fear of taking in life fully.  Feeling unsafe and unloved, or undeserving/incapable of safety and love in my life. 

To be honest, there was no big revelation at first.  That is why I am just writing this now, in the middle of the wee morning hours.  I repeated the affirmation a few times but didn’t commit to journaling (as I have been neglecting for weeks) or meditation (which has been at least a month) I took this as a sign for the U that I was choosing not to take care of myself, not to honor or respect my body or my health, and that I had brought this on from my own negligence and lasting death grip on ego and insecurities. The fast approaching move home to Minnesota, the increasing stress and dissatisfaction at work, and the future-oriented obsession lacking presence in the Now had overtaken my true Self, had attempted to keep ear plugs in to block Divine guidance, and had knocked me off my feet, literally bed-ridden, with a sudden onset jokingly-fatal flu-like symptoms.

Now I could have chalked that up as enough awareness to move through this, to release the symptoms and return to homeostasis.  But M~ing and I know I can go deeper, that I can connect to more awareness, and ultimately that I have to in order to continue developing along my Path.  So here comes the epiphany: during a coughing attack at 3am 2 chunks of dark, brownish/greenish mucus came flying out of what felt like deep inside my lungs and was quickly spat out into the sink.  (If you’re reading this blog you’re an elite few aware of it, and therefore you know me and my TMI tendencies.  Be glad I spared you the picture I took on my phone to send to my mom in the morning.) As I stood there staring at the foul goobers, I realized these were the remnants of the nasty cold I had last fall.  During that time I was blossoming exponentially along my Path, though I knew there were deep-seeded negativity and beliefs I had not fully released.  Specifically related to my body, my worthiness in love and success, and believing in myself, my Guidance, and my future.  As the future is catching up with me, so are these lingering Fears holding me back.  Just last session with Maya, by Tibetan Buddhist counselor, I discussed feeling lingering mucus encompassing my throat and identified this as a leftover veil hiding my throat chakra, the remaining belief in lack and ineptitude of truly speaking my Truth and living authentically.  So here we go, chunks.  I release you.  I thank you for your protection, though misguided, and no longer need your services.  I choose Love.  I am safe.

Amen.

It’s my second annual V-Day/B-day week vacation in Ohio with my high school acquaintance turned undergrad bff to for-real forever friend Courtney.  I.  Am.  Stoked!

Last year I went into the trip with a different tone having months prior broken up a brutal relationship, having been detrimentally dating around in the rebound stage, and feeling pretty ant-esque.  Like I was literally worthless as a 2 millimeter bug to be stomped on. So when I arrived in Ohio all I could do was borderline-obsess over the latest online dater I had yet to meet whose wedding date I had already set in my head.  Yup, I was (am, or at least can be) that silly.  *Lesson learned. 

As always when I’m with Courtney, everything flowed absolutely perfectly, effortlessly.  We had a BLAST doing the most Jourtni (I just created our couple name) things we both love.  Like I painted a ceramic snail named Patience, home-made candles, did a little dance in my dog-footed pink onesie, ran around town singing in lines, etc.  It was an absolutely perfect pick-me up, preceding her wedding I was in 6 weeks later which was just as fan-damn-tastic.  Though I was unfortunately distracted by he-who’s-name-I’ve-forgotten, it was the best way I could imagine to spend my birthday and for Courtney the perfect way to spend her husband’s “boy’s golf weekend” out of town.  So started our now annual reunion.

More so from my time visiting for her wedding in April, I became an honorary Jacob.  Her mother-in-law is near and dear to my heart and was the only person besides my parents who sent me a Hannukkah card this year - super cute and surrogate mother quality TLC.  I deeply respect and appreciate this title of honorary Jacob and am frequently overwhelmed with joy at the thought of next being in their company again.

Fast forward to the present.  OR rather where I will be in 16 hours: in Ohio as a Jacob for 4 days with a bestie for my birthday post-chocolate coma day…. PERFECTION!  The excitement kick-started my adrenaline which has gotten me through the last week of work, especially my double-booked yesterday and today (though I made it to yoga both nights….thank U!)  I just finished my notes, have all paperwork processed, and am packed, showered, with tomorrow’s outfit all picked out.  (A black & white polka dotted dress with black leggings, new black boots, new yellow pea/rain-ish coat, and the cream scarf Courtney got for us bridesmaids last year.)  To say I am excited is an understatement.  I am overjoyed, ecstatic, joy-full, radiant, beaming, full of Light & Love with every ounce of my being, physical and energetic.

The cherry on top is the special treat I have to reward myself with on my actual birthday.  Last month I developed an unhealthy addiction to researching apartments back home, but as it was too soon and everything was immediate or February 1st vacancy I grew agitated and cranky.  Not to mention it started effecting my functioning and I rescheduled clients on multiple occasions as well as lost needed hours of sleep clicking on properties I’d already viewed multiple times.  So I made a promise to myself, verbalized to my friends and family, and turned over to the U: I will not look at any more housing options until the full day I have to myself, my special day of birth, while Matt & Courtney are at work from 8-5.  I have admittedly grappled with this release of micromanaging, the control freak ego monster in me dying a bitter death to its end, but I have honored this promise and hold firm (though sometimes wavering) my faith that the Universe will provide for me the perfect place in divine timing with a greater plan than that which I could know.  So as if spending the weekend with Courtney wouldn’t be splendid enough, I now get to fulfill my deal with the Universe to co-create the abundance of perfect rental properties in my price range in my ideal zip codes come 30 hours from now.  Hells yeah!  Truly the best birthday present I could give myself, or rather the U could provide for me this year.  Excited x12.

As I’m writing this I’m realizing how out-of-blog-personality this post is.  I’m not writing to TDL, I’m not crafting a spiritual revelation or a new year’s reflection.  Instead I am honoring the High-On-Life energy I’ve been sustaining for a good 2+ months now.  This is the uncensored Love flow I’ve been grooving in, enjoying deeply with every breathe.  But I’ll save that for my next post….to be on the 1st anniversary of my 1st date with yoga, March 1st.  Oh yeah!

In gratitude.

Full of life.

Loving always,

Judith Louise

My former self would find it ironic yet I currently see the Truth that now I am moving home after years of waiting to have a life here in FL I have now built a life here.  Go figure!  The power of manifestation and self love is proof in the pudding - after years of despising myself without realizing it, punishing myself with overeating and abusive situations, and projecting fear and dissatisfaction toward anyone around me, I’ve now turned to deep internal love and peace with a shortening projection correction time  as my way of being.  I f*ked my fear, (thanks @beingtricia) and therefore now have a blooming sense of connection, community, and cool sh*t to do (oh Avenue Q).  I let go of all that excess baggage and now feel free to jump around on my tramp wearing my cape (oh yah @GabbyBernstein), spend the afternoon cloud-shaping from my hammock, reading ACIM before bed every night, etc….and that’s making the most of the solitude I use to so despise that I now adore.  As if that stuff isn’t fun enough, I love Jim’s Sivananda yoga class Monday nights, Glee/New Girl laughter/joy Tuesday nights, Mukti’s Kali Natha yoga Wednesday nights, and people to call and places to go just for freedom and fun’s sake whenever it so works out.  Talk about life changing, no geographical leap necessary.

So much has happened this last year that has reawakened what I already knew to be true.  Yoga being at the center of my transformation with many helping hands along the way, I’ve come to understand how Home is an internal state of knowing, not a location or a place you keep excessive amounts of lotions or socks that never get worn.  Thay’s message now rests in my mind and flows through me.  I get it now.  Home is where the heart is.  Literally, my heart is my home.  And my heart is divine.  Within me is all that is.  So, literally, home is where the heart is.  And there’s no place like home. There really is no place like home for home is all that is.

To what I will leave behind here in Florida, I love you with all we are.  I thank you for everything you’ve taught me, from Fernanda introducing me to yoga to Mukti opening her home to share our practice, to Jim kicking a$$ Monday nights and changing my body inside and out, to Shakti and her ashram-intensive healing energy, to Cora my dear yogaboarding instructor sharing many Saturday mornings, to Maya guiding me back to myself, to Ludy who was there for me through thick and thin from the beginning of my days in Florida.  I now understand the difference from a painful goodbye to a joyful release, from a sad feeling of loss to an overwhelming sense of gratitude.  So much love to you all.  With infinity to share our true Homes together, our hearts forever joined in our intersected paths, though Facebook makes it particularly convenient at least in the now to stay close energetically though not physically.

As I end this chapter and stretch into the next, I remain on the yellow brick road to what lies beyond carrying within me my true Home, my real self, Love.  There’s no place like home.  Home is where the heart is.  And home is within me.  With this knowledge, I return home already living, loving, and being ready to continue this journey breathing deep and shining bright.

And so it is.  (Thanks @MarianneWilliamson.)  All is well.  (Thanks @LouiseHays.)

Always Home,

Judi